Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
