he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Randomize
