My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
