please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Let's get the cat blown out
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
