Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
