I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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