Im at strip club and am horny
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
