I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
