Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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