dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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