the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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