I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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