NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
