I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
