you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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