Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
