you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
