i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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