I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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