wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it was like eating out sand paper
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
