I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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