I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
