I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
