remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
