So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
