My sheets look like a crime scene.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
