I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
