we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
