Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
