just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
