I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
