My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I party with great urgency now.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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