his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
