i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
