herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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