My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
