in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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