The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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