We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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