He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
