i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
