having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
