I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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