I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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