atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
