I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
even my farts smell like vagina
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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