He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
