third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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