and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
