grandma shit on top of the toilet
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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