My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
