so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
