I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
