my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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