We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
