I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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