I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
